The path of my own personal darkness has been a very painful and frightening one. The path of my life has taken my spirit and beaten the hell out of it. It has bloodied it, suffocated it, tortured it, and made who it is into an incredibly powerful force. What that force is used for is my own decision. I have tried to use it for good as much as I can, but the emptiness inside of what I have become has taken the strength and focus of what I could even do now. But no matter what I do, I will always be reminded inside of what I could've done. And while we all have those thoughts, the thing is, I could've done anything without the limits that others are dealt with. While I can still surprise myself at times, I am just an empty shell of what I would've been capable of. The way I have always been able to process things has always been quite different than most. But with training, learning, a good environment, I had the potential to develop what I had. However, instead of that, I dealt with a life of uncertainty in so many aspects. The way I was brought up, the way I felt about things, the way my life went, was all incredibly detrimental to my being. So many things happened to me that were just hurtful in many different ways, and all of them destroyed me. And after years of this, years of watching my potential get shredded to pieces, years of heartache, emptiness, loss, everything I could've done went away. I had changed inside. By the time school was done, I had nothing left. My desires were all gone. My love for this life. All washed away with the tide one day during a time where things were clear to me by the beaches of the Mayflower. Such a fitting place to bury the man I had the chance at being. A place of such begining for so many people, was the death of my being. So very different a result, for a man so very different from the world. What I have been from that day, inside, not what I show, not what you see or know, but from that day, it's been different. And while I still have the time and opportunity to practice all of which I preach, the daily struggle of this existence deters me from my path. Who and what I am seems to be compartmentalized nowadays. I can open different doors and be different people. Only by what I show. Inside I am always the man I have become. Always the one in control. All the years of depression, of pain, and the one to get me through it all, has been that core of myself. Knowing what I feel and while I felt it was always something I knew I understood. Nobody needed to tell me what I was feeling. I know why I am why and where I am in this life. And again, wouldn't change it for a minute. And I think that part of it is actually what gives me strength now. If I had to start it all over again, and deal with everything I had to, I would not change who I am. There was a reason for everything that changed me. And I'm ok with it. The only desires I have left are those of compassion, of love. Nothing is simple. I beat my own drum. Not this humanities.
My Path hasn't taken me very far in this life though. After my collapse in school, the future was never bright. However, it's not my driving force. It's not what I'm all about. Others can do what they will, but in the end, when it's all said and done, I will be happy for the man that I even yet, will still become. You can take your money, take your possessions, doesn't make you worth a damn in my eyes. Your heart, your being, your compassion, your love, your respect, are going to be what makes your existence worth something in my eyes. Otherwise, you have failed at life. And one day, even if it takes you till your death bed, you will realize it.
My Path has led me from all the early years I worked at Stop & Shop, where again, not many winners. Like all business, greed is the key. Who you know is more important. Fixing things that are wrong in the work environment, or with the work and people itself, is not important. And now I've moved onto another place of employment. Just as sad in some aspects. Better in some. Worse in others. Maybe it's the curse of being me, but from what I see, there are so many things that easily could be made different. People who do not deserve what they have. Including many who don't even deserve a job at all. All the while there are people out there who would work, who are actually intelligent enough to get things done in more efficient manners, who need the work, who could make the place better. And being more efficient means more dollar bills are made. And yet, things are how they are. I've always been very good at seeing things and being able to improve them. My mind has always worked at a level where I can see the little things that others can't. The details are always the most important. All I want is to make a difference in others lives. Give to those I can. Stop giving to those who don't really deserve it. Give the love and heart I have to one who fills mine with meaning and desires long since passed. To give of me.